Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Directive 000-006 – Sarah Palin

Posted in Uncategorized on 2009July16 by The Director

The Organization has identified Sarah Palin as the most immediate threat to our plans, and to our continued hold on power. This attractive, charismatic woman is unique among the Opposition in her ability to connect with and catalyze the rabble. Despite the enormous groundwork that was done during the election to discredit her, she remains popular.

As the communications arm of The Organization, we expect you to do your part to neutralize Mrs. Palin. Articles discussing her will be most effective if they include the following features:

  1. Mention of her sex appeal. Ideally, this should be done in a derisive or diminutizing way. References to her as looking “slutty,” “naughty,” “MILFy,” or the like are fair game, as are speculations about her specific sexual proclivities. Since ordinarily this sort of thing would be frowned upon, you may want to be ready with an excuse: Since Palin is a conservative Christian, she must, therefore, think sex is bad. Thus the very fact of her having sex appeal is an act of hypocrisy.
  2. Mention of her accent. While most Americans have grown accustomed to southern accents, the upper mid-western accent is still something of a novelty (e.g. the success of the movie “Fargo” prompted many to imitate the Minnesota accents of its characters).
  3. Reinforcement of Narrative items such as her statement that she can see Russia from her house, and that she believes that humans and dinosaurs existed at the same time.
  4. Speculation about possible reasons for her resignation of the Governership of Alaska.
  5. Discussion of derisive things said about her by McCain campaign personnel and Republican “leaders”.
  6. Discussion of Alaska as being unrepresentative of America as a whole.

NOTE: After the David Letterman incident, it is suggest that you exercise care when referring to her family. That said, mention of her daughter’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy is permissible.

As always, when discussing her statements and/or ideas, be sure to use terms such as “extreme,” “far-right” and the like. (This should be old hat for those of you experienced in covering Opposition personnel.

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Message from the Director

Posted in Uncategorized on 2009July13 by The Director

Greetings, colleagues.

As you have no doubt noticed, the website of the Directorate has taken a brief hiatus. Without revealing too much, I can tell you that this has been due to certain internal restructuring in light of the President’s slipping poll numbers.

I don’t have to tell you that the sine qua non of this administration is message control. If we are going to accomplish our goals, we MUST exercise discipline over the message. Lately, it seems as though the Narrative has developed a few cracks. This will not do.

The restructuring of the Directorate has resolved the internal problems, but we need you – the street-level media personnel – to redouble your efforts.

Remember: Praise begets access, and access begets bylines. It’s that simple.

Directive 000-005: Middle Class Tax Rates

Posted in Uncategorized on 2009May6 by The Director

The numbers show that His Excellency, President Obama, will be required to implement a tax increase for the middle class. Many of you have been speculating about this in private forums. This a reminder that you must NOT discuss this publicly, and above all, you must not report on it. The tax increases are likely to come about after 2010 midterm elections. You should take your tone from the President, and express shock and surprise that the deficits had gotten so big. The President will express extreme reluctance to raise taxes on the middle class. You are to take him at his word.

Mission Statement

Posted in Uncategorized on 2009May1 by The Director

The Directorate hereby releases an updated version of its mission statement:

The Directorate is the coordinating body for the communications arm of The Organization. It is intended as a resource for “journalists” and other media personnel to assist them in crafting their writing to better further The Narrative. Compliance with directives is voluntary. For now.

Directive 000-004: Constitutional Issues

Posted in Uncategorized on 2009May1 by The Director

With the announced retirement of Justice David Souter, we expect that constitutional issues will be on your radar in the upcoming weeks. A few points to keep in mind.

1. It should be assumed that the constitution is a “living document”. That is, the requirements of constitutional government can be adapted to changing ideological needs by its creative reinterpretation by politically correct Supreme Court Justices. In most cases this need not be stated explicitly, but should should act as a fundamental concept through which the perspective of your writing should be formed.

2. The emphasis given to the importance of stare decis will depend on the specific case under discussion. For example, when discussing Roe v. Wade, stare decis will be the most important factor in the discussion. By contrast, in discussing D.C. v. Heller, stare decis should play almost no part. The Directorate‘s Task Force on Rhetorical Efficacy has determined that this strategy is most effective if cases in which stare decis should be downplayed are mentioned as little as possible.

Directive 000-003: Terminology Update

Posted in Uncategorized on 2009May1 by The Director

Please note: when referring to The President, it is not necessary to use the term “His Excellency” at this time. However, we do recommend that you familiarize yourself with the proper use of the term.

Directive 000-002: Regarding “Tea Parties”

Posted in Uncategorized on 2009April16 by The Director

Coverage of any events yesterday should be light to nonexistant.

Despite it being the due date of Federal and State tax returns, no out-of-the-ordinary events took place.  Early rumors of civil protests (clearly led by Karl Rove and Glen Beck) turned out to be unfounded. At various locations around the nation, small groups of Right Wing Extremists attempted to agitate, but their efforts were futile. Coverage of said agitation is optional, and must strike a properly derisive tone.

President Obama, properly, took no notice of any such non-existant events.